more to life than this
I woke up this morning, and I couldnt fall back asleep. I tried. and I tried. And I tried. I lay there, tossing and turning, and trying to get comfortable from around 345am until about 455am when I finally decided it was time to get out of bed before the alarm, and just go to the gym. I lay in bed this morning, and my mind just fucked with me. It has been happening, waking up around 4am, for the last few weeks, and my mind immediately attacks me. I have called it the 4am mind fuck! This morning was worse than usual, because I wasnt able to go back to sleep. Nope, this morning, I was stuck laying there fighting my thoughts, and trying to talk myself into good ones so I could go to sleep.
Part of the issue was fear, and insecurity, as is usually the case, but then all these other things come to mind, and have me thinking, is this it? This life I have, this job I have, what I do on a daily basis, is THIS IT? I couldnt accept that thought, I kept telling myself, there has to be, absolutely HAS TO BE something more than this. I have been complaining about shit for a while, and questioning my position and what I do on a daily basis for a while, but I dont think the fire has ever burned so deep, and so hot for change and to follow my inner voice as it is right now, and these days. I can not stand the thought of thinking that my life has amounted to driving in to a decent paying job, doing tasks all day that I give two shits about, and feeling like its never good enough.
I am reading this book, and it talks about the Divine Deisgn of your life, what you are meant to do on this earth, that no one else can do. What role are you to fill. I keep thinking more and more about mine, and what it is, and the answers are coming the more I am seekin them. I have written ever since I was little, and people say I am ok at it. I've heard that the honesty, the openness, the raw emotion, and the passion that I share when I write is what makes it appealing. I've been given a deep voice, and the ability to inflect it as needed to convey emotion, so I can do vocie overs, or use it to present, and / or perform. Last but not least I care about people, and want to help, I want to make a difference.
One thing is for sure. I want to make a change. I am seeing it on the horizon, I feel it coming. I am not sure what it is just yet, but I know it is coming.
Part of the issue was fear, and insecurity, as is usually the case, but then all these other things come to mind, and have me thinking, is this it? This life I have, this job I have, what I do on a daily basis, is THIS IT? I couldnt accept that thought, I kept telling myself, there has to be, absolutely HAS TO BE something more than this. I have been complaining about shit for a while, and questioning my position and what I do on a daily basis for a while, but I dont think the fire has ever burned so deep, and so hot for change and to follow my inner voice as it is right now, and these days. I can not stand the thought of thinking that my life has amounted to driving in to a decent paying job, doing tasks all day that I give two shits about, and feeling like its never good enough.
I am reading this book, and it talks about the Divine Deisgn of your life, what you are meant to do on this earth, that no one else can do. What role are you to fill. I keep thinking more and more about mine, and what it is, and the answers are coming the more I am seekin them. I have written ever since I was little, and people say I am ok at it. I've heard that the honesty, the openness, the raw emotion, and the passion that I share when I write is what makes it appealing. I've been given a deep voice, and the ability to inflect it as needed to convey emotion, so I can do vocie overs, or use it to present, and / or perform. Last but not least I care about people, and want to help, I want to make a difference.
One thing is for sure. I want to make a change. I am seeing it on the horizon, I feel it coming. I am not sure what it is just yet, but I know it is coming.
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