I am in...
Something happened to me yesterday on my plane to New York. I was traveling out here (New York)for work, to meet the team, and the agency buyers etc. I woke up in the morning though, and I was all kinds of unsettled. The first thing that I thought of when I woke up was her. As I got ready, and my mind only partially awake at 4am, my mind kept working back all these different memories of her. I saw pictures of her face, and smile, and the way she looked when she walks. I heard her laugh, and remembered her touch, and kiss, and our sex. I thought of things she had shared with me, and things she had written or texted. It was just a constant flow of thought, and all of these things were stirring up my emotions inside. I could feel myself getting scared, I could feel my stomach dropping out a couple different times, I could feel my heart start to beat a bit harder, or a bit faster. I actually laughed a little and smiled many times throughout my morning routine, just thinking about her. With all of this came fear, creeping into the picture, and attempting to get a hold of my insecurities and prey on me. I was aware of it, and I wasnt getting sucked into that game, not that easily.
I went about my morning, assuring myself that she was real, that her words were sincere, and backed up these thoughts with the memories I had, and the way I felt when we were together based on her words and more so her actions. Later that trip, I spoke to her on the phone, and she said the most perfect thing that she could have possibly said. She said, I hope you have no doubts, that you are sure, that I am so in love with you, that I love you THIS MUCH! The way I was feeling at that moment, all these thoughts in my mind, my emotions swirling up inside of me, sitting in that airport feeling a bit tired and worn from getting up early, and traveling, they were perfect. I shared that with her, and let her know a bit aoubt my fears, and insecurities, and she had no problem whatsoever assuring me. It helped
Surprising to me though, was that my feelings didnt go away. I got on my plane, from Denver where we had a lay over, bound for the Big Apple, New York City. I sat on that plane, and while I loved hearing from her how she was feeling, and giving me that assurance it didnt do much to calm my emotions. I didnt know quite what to do with this. I tried to sleep, going in and out of sleep, restless, and in this quasi dream state. My mind playing with me of course, and the emotions continue to rise. I still cant figure it out, so I try to write, but nothing is coming, I just get a word or two down on paper, and then its stopped. Whatever is going on inside just cant be put together into any kind of sense for me to put down on paper. Not yet anyway. It went on tlike this for the entire flight, adn about 20 minutes before we were about to land it hit me. I was watching the TV program they had on the plane, Friday Night Lights, and I realized what all these thoughts, and swirling emotions, and pits in my stomach were about. It wasnt so much that I was scared about the way she felt, in fact it had nothing to do with that at all. What I realized, was that I am in. I am 100% in. I have let her in, maybe deeper than I've ever let anyone. I am vulnerable, and I have crossed a point of no return, realizing that there is no going back. I am in, and by in I mean in love. My fears were calmed by her reassurance, and this continued feeling of emotion, welling up inside of me, trying to tell me what was going on, was my heart talking to me. When it hit me, tears filled my eyes, and two tears streamed down my face. One on each cheek. I couldnt help it. I quickly wiped away my tears, and cleaned my eyes while a smile spread across my face, and I continued to see these beautiful images of her walk through my mind. My heart had spoken to me and what it told me was that I am in love. More signficant than that was that it told me in a way that I had never heard it, or felt it communicate with me before. I am in. Love.
I went about my morning, assuring myself that she was real, that her words were sincere, and backed up these thoughts with the memories I had, and the way I felt when we were together based on her words and more so her actions. Later that trip, I spoke to her on the phone, and she said the most perfect thing that she could have possibly said. She said, I hope you have no doubts, that you are sure, that I am so in love with you, that I love you THIS MUCH! The way I was feeling at that moment, all these thoughts in my mind, my emotions swirling up inside of me, sitting in that airport feeling a bit tired and worn from getting up early, and traveling, they were perfect. I shared that with her, and let her know a bit aoubt my fears, and insecurities, and she had no problem whatsoever assuring me. It helped
Surprising to me though, was that my feelings didnt go away. I got on my plane, from Denver where we had a lay over, bound for the Big Apple, New York City. I sat on that plane, and while I loved hearing from her how she was feeling, and giving me that assurance it didnt do much to calm my emotions. I didnt know quite what to do with this. I tried to sleep, going in and out of sleep, restless, and in this quasi dream state. My mind playing with me of course, and the emotions continue to rise. I still cant figure it out, so I try to write, but nothing is coming, I just get a word or two down on paper, and then its stopped. Whatever is going on inside just cant be put together into any kind of sense for me to put down on paper. Not yet anyway. It went on tlike this for the entire flight, adn about 20 minutes before we were about to land it hit me. I was watching the TV program they had on the plane, Friday Night Lights, and I realized what all these thoughts, and swirling emotions, and pits in my stomach were about. It wasnt so much that I was scared about the way she felt, in fact it had nothing to do with that at all. What I realized, was that I am in. I am 100% in. I have let her in, maybe deeper than I've ever let anyone. I am vulnerable, and I have crossed a point of no return, realizing that there is no going back. I am in, and by in I mean in love. My fears were calmed by her reassurance, and this continued feeling of emotion, welling up inside of me, trying to tell me what was going on, was my heart talking to me. When it hit me, tears filled my eyes, and two tears streamed down my face. One on each cheek. I couldnt help it. I quickly wiped away my tears, and cleaned my eyes while a smile spread across my face, and I continued to see these beautiful images of her walk through my mind. My heart had spoken to me and what it told me was that I am in love. More signficant than that was that it told me in a way that I had never heard it, or felt it communicate with me before. I am in. Love.
Comments
Post a Comment