December 22nd. 2009

As I was getting ready this morning, rushing around and trying to pack things up, and get ready for work I kept thinking of Danny. I couldnt figure out why, but different things were popping into my head. I still have a picture of him and my nephew up in my spare bedroom where I was packing, and it was a constant reminder. After a while, it dawned on me what the date was. It was Dec 22nd last year, that I had to drive Danny to the airport, and send him back to Arizona. He was on his way to Tucson for what was supposed to be a two day visit with his family before he was supposed to go to this Military styled school up near Phoenix. Its been one year today that I was a foster dad / Big Brother / Guardian. I almost start crying whne I think about things regarding Danny. When I reflect on our time together, when I think about the loss, and feelings of failure, anger, and disappointment that I felt when I was dropping him off. These feelings werent only at him but at myself. I was disappointed that things were going down that way, I was feeling as if I failed him, and failed in my efforts. I was in a very bad place emotioanlly, and angry and resentful, and sad, frustrated, and really torn to pieces. I was angry at Danny for making consistently poor decisions that got us to this poitn. I was angry at the Tucson CPS unit for deciding that Danny should go back to AZ for this school rather than stay in CA and go to a rehab, and maintaint the consistency of all his social workers and placement with me, I was angry at myself for letting him get to me, get under my skin, and for shutting down emotionally, and just becoming cold. It was unlike anything I ahd ever experienced before. I dont talk about the experience much, and I probably should talk about it a bit more, because I reaize things now as time has passed on what I could have done differently, and where perhaps I was wrong, not to mention gettnig that sadness out.

I learned more during my time with Danny, and as a result of us being together, and him leaving, than I had at any other point in my life. It was everything that we went through both while he was here, and the aftermath of him leaving that forced me to make that transition from a boy to a man. This past year I have worked on healing, and learning the lessons for there were many. I know that I wasnt perfect, and that I had a part in everything just the same as Danny did. I also know that I tried, and I pray that Danny got something out of our time together. I know that I did.

Things are much different now, a year later. This year has been a slow, and steady rebuilding process for me. Last year I was a fraction of a man, I was emotionally and spiritually shredded to pieces. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt, broken, and defeated. I felt like a failure, I was shut off from connecting with the world, and thigns were falling down around me in all aspects of my life. It has been a rebuilding process since then, and in that process I have learned to let go better. I have learned to let myself heal better. I have learned to have faith so much better. I am feeling whole.

I wrote Danny a letter this morning, and I shared with him how much he changed me, and my life. It is funny how one boy, teaches another boy, how to be a man.

MT