X- Bike class to Panama

I woke up late this morning. I was tired and DID NOT want to get out of bed. Trying to get into a new work out routine often starts off with a day or two of getting up no problem, then you fight hard wiht yourself to get your ass out of bed, and to the gym. I work out in the mornings, before I do anyhting else. So for me getting into this routine requires that I get out of bed around 5am. Today, I didn drag myself out of bed till close to 545, and I am sure my roommate couldnt have been happy with me snoozing my alarm for 45 minutes before actually responding to it. Sorry. Getting up this late though, I realized that I couldnt get my work out in. "So what" I told myself, "just get up, go to they gym and do SOMETHING so you can start to get into this routine" So I did, I got up, heavy eyelids and all, and put on some clothes and dragged my ass to the gym. I was approaching the stretching area when I heard the music of the X Bike class going, and thought to myself, that is what I'll do. I have got to start training for my Aids Lifecycle ride at soem point anyway. So I wandered over there, and walked into the room, and it was like a flashback for me. I hadnt been to an X Bike Class (otherwise known as Spin class for those that arent familiar) since I was training last year for my trip to Panama. I walked in, about 10 minutes late, and got the bike adjusted adn started going at it. I think I fared pretty well for my first go around since last year.

The flash backs though were really what was coming back at me in full force. I think it all goes back to these feelings I have been feeling over the last few days, and not really knowing where they are coming from or why. Last year at this point in time I was at the beginning of a very steep downward emotional dive. I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and i was having so much trouble holding it together and dealing with the very difficult and emotionally draining situations I was having with Danny. On top of that the economy was taking a shit, and as a result my income was in the toilet as well. Around this same time, my friend Aaron emailed me and asked me about this idea he had about a fundraiser. He said he was going to ride his bike from PAnama to San Francsico, and wnated to know my thoughts. Not only did I strongly encourage him to do it, I told him I wantd to be a part of it. I had no idea what my future was going to look like. I didnt know if I was going to be able to make my bills, pay my house payment, my car note, none of it. I had no idea how I was goign to do it, but this fundraiser/ bike ride that Aaron was taklign about was the type of thing that I live for. So my choice was simple, I am choosing to live. I am choosing to not let my fears, and my situation dictate what I do or dont do. I was willing to lose it all, house, car, or whatever things I wouldnt not be able to keep as a result of my choice to live. I bought my ticket to Panama, and I was going to meet my friend in a foreign country and ride a rented bike across that country, and I had no clue what I was getting myselfi nto, but I knew it was something I was willing to do regardless of cost.

So after making this decision, I did my best to start getting into shape, and preparing myself for this ride. Things at home got worse. The economy got worse. The (non) girlfriend thing got worse. Danny ended up being removed from my custody, and then running away when he was in Arizona. It was a very challenging season for me, thanksgiving and x-mas and new years. During that time though I began to train. I went to my first x-bike class, and I walked in wearing a full jump suit, with a hoodie and beanie, and the hood pulled up. I wanted to prepare my body for hte heat of PAnama. I almost threw up after my first class. I had to leave early and go lay down in the locker room. I showed up the next day and did it again though, and the next and the next. That room was my refuge. Where I dreamt of adventure, and the unknown, and the excitment, adn escaped form the emotional turmoil of the world outside. I was choosing to live, and I was willing to work for it. I was willing to push myself to the brink of exhaustion and vomitting for it. I trained in those x-bike classes almost every day for about 6-7 weeks.

Those classes were the lead up to one of the most important, and life changing experiences of my life. So walking in this morning, and getting on that bike, it brought me back ot where I was last year, but I was seeing things a bit differently. The memories of the mountains and the beaches, and the laughs and the memories of Panama came floodnig back. At one point, the instructor asked, what are you riding for? I wanted to shout Panama!!! It was nice to have that experience this morning, and remind me that I need to be choosing life. I need to find something, some direction, something I am passionate about, adn begin chasing it with the same furor I had before.

One other thing that kept coming to mind while I was riding was "scallop shell" It was playing over in my mind "scallop shell, scallop shell, scallop shell" I will have to share the significance of the scallop shell. It was a moment that God revealed itself to me, and let me know that not only did God exist, but he was present and listening to my prayers.

MT